The Reassessment of Friendship

Friendship has long been recognized as a vital aspect of human connection, evolving through various cultural and philosophical lenses over time. Nowadays, the value of friendships is increasingly being recognized, challenging the longstanding cultural preference for romantic relationships. Culturally, the expectation of romantic love as the pinnacle of relational fulfillment persists, often overshadowing the importance of platonic bonds—which wasn’t always the case.

Michel de Montaigne, a French Renaissance philosopher, laid the groundwork for understanding friendship in his seminal essay, "On Friendship." In this work, Montaigne articulates the depth and significance of true friendships, asserting that they can provide emotional support and understanding that romantic relationships might not fulfill. He argues that genuine friends can profoundly comprehend each other's thoughts and feelings, often offering stability that romantic love lacks. Montaigne’s own friendship with Étienne de La Boétie serves as a poignant example; he describes it as a pivotal part of his life, shaping his views on human relationships. Montaigne’s reflection, “If you are looking for a friend who is going to be faithful to you, you are going to have to be that friend yourself,” emphasizes that friendship should not be seen as a secondary relationship but rather as a profound bond capable of significantly influencing our lives. This perspective highlights the enduring nature of friendship, contrasting it with the tumultuous dynamics often present in romantic love.

The 19th century marked a significant cultural shift, during which societal norms began to prioritize romantic relationships and familial structures over platonic bonds. Anne Vincent-Buffault, French researcher and academic known for her work on social relationships, discusses this transition, noting that friendship was often relegated to a secondary status compared to the commitments of love and family. She states, “Friendship is often seen as a light bond, overshadowed by the seriousness of love and family commitments.” This marginalization contributed to a cultural narrative that diminished the importance of platonic relationships, positioning them as less significant than romantic ties. Friedrich Nietzsche undoubtedly emerges as a key figure who critiques conventional notions of love while advocating for the significance of deep, platonic friendships. In works such as Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Nietzsche emphasizes that authentic friendships can provide emotional support and intellectual companionship, stating, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” He regarded true friendship as one of the highest forms of human connection, challenging societal norms that prioritize romantic relationships. Nietzsche believed that these bonds could enrich lives and offer a sense of freedom from the possessiveness often associated with romantic ties.

The Modern Landscape of Intimacy

Moving into the contemporary era, Sabine Hohl— a Swiss philosopher and scholar known for her work on the philosophy of friendship, ethics, and social relationships—critiques the cultural and legal preferences for romantic relationships over friendships. She introduces the concept of "amatonormativity," which suggests that having a romantic relationship is seen as a societal expectation, rendering being single a temporary and often stigmatized state. Hohl points out the inherent injustices in this societal structure, particularly in how marriage confers specific rights and obligations that are not extended to friendships. Hohl argues that “amatonormativity reinforces a hierarchy of relationships that undervalues the significance of friendship,” advocating for a reevaluation of the status of friendship in society. She proposes that the institution of marriage be restructured to encompass a broader range of relationships. This idea aligns with American philosopher Elizabeth Brake’s notion of "minimizing marriage," suggesting that “we need to rethink marriage to reflect the diverse relationships people form.” By elevating the importance of friendships, society can alleviate the pressures surrounding romantic partnerships and encourage more diverse and resilient networks of support.

In recent years, there has been a notable shift in how individuals conceptualize and prioritize their relationships. As societal norms evolve, many people are redefining what constitutes a legitimate relationship. Some friends challenge traditional expectations by intertwining their lives in ways typically reserved for romantic partners. They share homes, raise each other’s children, and engage in joint financial ventures, demonstrating the depth of their commitment to one another, despite the absence of sexual intimacy. These friendships often defy conventional labels, as individuals seek analogies that resonate with their experiences. Feminist writer Juliet Mitchell contributes to this discourse by exploring the significance of female friendships in her work, particularly in Women’s Estate. She posits that “women’s friendships can offer both emotional refuge and a platform for political action,” providing a sense of solidarity and shared experience that empowers individuals to challenge societal norms. Mitchell emphasizes that female friendships foster a deep understanding of each other's struggles, allowing women to build networks that support personal development and advocate for broader social change. Virginia Woolf, in her diaries and essays, also highlights the relationships between women, emphasizing the often-overlooked significance of these connections in the context of romantic expectations and societal norms.

The Ethical Dimensions of Friendship

Geoffroy de Lagasnerie, French philosopher and writer, emphasizes that “friendship must be seen as a priority—an engagement that transcends conventional obligations.” This "ethics of availability" is a daily practice, a deliberate choice to be present for friends during crucial moments in life showing how friendship can serve as an essential support network in critical circumstances. With Édouard Louis—French novelist and playwright—and Didier Eribon—French philosopher and sociologist—he has been in a relationship that has lasted for more than ten years. What makes their friendship unique is its ability to transform the "I" into a "we." In their writings, this fusion of identities creates a collective "I," reflecting their commitment to using their voices for the benefit of others. For these three writers, friendship is much more than a simple personal bond; it serves as a refuge and a battleground. Geoffroy de Lagasnerie discusses how “friendship can be a practical utopia, allowing individuals to step out of the world to better reconstruct it.” This shows that friendships can offer spaces for reflection and action, providing support to challenge social and political injustices. Together, they tackle heavy themes such as police violence, the struggle against inequality, and the necessity for genuine solidarity. For instance, de Lagasnerie co-authored Le Combat Adama, which addresses the violence faced by minorities. This work, like their other writings, reflects these intellectuals' commitment to transforming their friendship into a driving force for social change.

A Reassessment of Friendship

As society grapples with evolving definitions of intimacy and connection, the understanding of friendship is undergoing a significant transformation. Those writers show that by reevaluating the importance of platonic relationships and acknowledging their role in enriching individual lives, a more inclusive view of human connections can be fostered. This shift could lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships overall, cultivating stronger communities and promoting a richer understanding of what it means to be connected to one another.